I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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