I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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