So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
