somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
