I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
