Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize