The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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