i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
