I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
