You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
