he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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