My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
