You're my little dorito
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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