Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
