Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
