New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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