i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
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