I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Found your dick twin last night
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
