So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
