My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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