Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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