Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
