if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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