Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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