I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
