Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
we're making bets on your personal life
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
