I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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