and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
