yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
