can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
