Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
