Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
