pop tarts are not kleenex
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
