I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize