you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
