I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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