I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
