Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
