please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
