you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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