i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
