I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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