why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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