Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
