FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
