no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
