I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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