I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize