I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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