there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
