Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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