This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
