I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
