I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
