If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
