im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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