Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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