You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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