My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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