i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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